THE ART OF LISTENING

By Barry K. Surratt, MAGTS, BCC, SEC, CCLC

Barry has served in professional chaplaincy for 16 years in various settings, including healthcare, hospice, and veterans. He serves as the CPE Program Director with Christian Chaplains and Coaching, has completed his Supervisor-Educator Candidate training, and will sit for board review this summer. He is the Director of Chaplain Training for the Idaho Chaplains Association and resides in Boise, Idaho.

MASTERING THE ART OF EMPATHETIC LISTENING

Besides being present, listening is the most important skill for chaplains and caregivers to master during patient visits. While essential to the pastoral care visit, its mastery is most difficult. As chaplains, we can all reflect on visits when we didn’t listen well and struggled with fix-it reflexes. Are we genuinely listening when we interact with others? Every conversation offers an opportunity to dig deeper and understand why we react the way we do. Whether we're trying to help, teach, comfort, or guide, we must assess our self-centered needs in those interactions. Take a moment to think: Are we interrupting, rushing, or avoiding because we're uncomfortable? Are we projecting our emotions onto others? Consider how our responses are shaped by our experiences and emotions. Avoiding these impulses is crucial for effective, empathetic listening.

Empathetic listening is not just a skill but a formidable instrument capable of transforming relationships and interactions with patients. For those in caregiving roles, mastering this art offers a pathway to forging deeper connections, fostering trust, and cultivating understanding. In this discourse, we explore empathetic listening, illuminating its definitions, examples, and the skills requisite for becoming a more adept listener. This journey of mastering empathetic listening can significantly contribute to personal growth as chaplains, offering new perspectives and insights.

Empathetic listening is a dynamic process that involves not just hearing but truly understanding the other person's perspective. It's about making an emotional connection and finding common ground to respond more meaningfully. As chaplains, our role is to listen and understand deeply. Regrettably, it is all too common to engage in merely transactional listening, where responses are offered hastily, and advice proffered without establishing a genuine bond. Such interactions often leave individuals feeling unheard and unattended.

Attentiveness and responsiveness during conversations involve directing our full focus toward the speaker, discerning verbal and non-verbal cues, and reflecting on their conversation to grasp their perspective authentically. Furthermore, empathetic listening necessitates the application of critical thinking, enabling one to delve beneath the surface of spoken words and comprehend the underlying emotions and motivations. One common method is ascribing themes to the patient’s narrative or story.

To practice empathic listening, we must listen patiently to what the other person is saying, even if we disagree with their conclusions. Read that last sentence again… to listen patiently even if you disagree with them, for our role as spiritual care providers is not to correct, rebuke, or counsel but to journey with the person through this pain, problem, and/or crisis. The goal is to create connection, understanding, and a feeling of being heard by the person speaking. The word – practice – is key in empathic listening because, if the truth be told, listening is hard work, listening to understand is harder, and listening with a non-judgmental attitude takes effort to suspend our embedded theology and act deliberately.

MASTERING THE ART OF VALIDATION

It is important to show acceptance, though not necessarily agreement, by simply nodding or injecting phrases such as "I understand" or "I see." Learn that the goal is connection, not correction. If we are solely concerned about their progress and not the process of listening to understand, we often short-circuit any meaningful change in the person’s outlook. Remember the saying, ‘A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still?’ While the jury is still out on the original author (possibly Samuel Butler’s 7th-century poem Hudibras), the adage especially applies to our understanding of the art of listening. Our role is not to convince anybody of anything but to provide a supportive, listening presence that allows the speaker to vent their emotions and reach the best conclusion or outcome for them. All such efforts to influence by responding without understanding will certainly fail, and alas, the person leaves our presence more defeated and discouraged than when they arrived.

Let's journey into the world of a beloved Disney Pixar film, Inside Out. This film offers a unique perspective on emotions, depicting them as personified entities that influence our actions. Memories are portrayed as vibrant orbs, stored away each night. The main characters, Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust, work together to navigate the mind of their host. This film provides a rich illustration of empathetic listening in action. Consider the importance of empathic listening after you observe Joy’s attempts to cheer up Bing Bong (the elephant) or motivate him, or Sadness’s approach to sitting with HIM in pain and validating what they’re going through with reflective statements, empathy, affirmation, etc.

Click on this link to watch this short video from the 2015 Pixar movie – Inside Out[i]

Whose response (joy or Sadness) results in the creation of relationship, support, and empathy? Can you think of times in your own life when someone tried to cheer you up instead of just being present and listening to you share your pain? Can you remember how you felt when they validated your emotions? This movie scene illustrates how important listening with understanding can be when providing pastoral care to someone who is hurting.

 

[i]

MASTERING THE ART OF AFFIRMATION

It’s OK to say, ‘I’m sorry,’ once, but silence in the midst of pain speaks more than an echo. Here are some phrases to employ in these situations:

o   That must have been really hard

o   That sounds really bad

o   I can’t imagine how difficult that would be for you

One of my CPE supervisors encouraged me to utilize something he called ‘Therapeutic Grunts’. A grunt can signify affirmation, particularly in informal or non-verbal communication, and serve as a concise expression when words are minimal or unnecessary. These sounds tell the speaker that you’re listening and tracking with them by giving verbal feedback without words. Sounds like ‘Uh huh’ or ‘Mmmhm’ are non-verbal affirmations encouraging patients to speak up and share more because you show them your attentiveness and desire to hear their stories.

MASTERING NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

Nonverbal communication is the first communication we receive from and give to another person. Studies have found that the total impact of a message is about 7% verbal, 38% tone of voice, and 55% nonverbal[iii] (body posture, gesture, eye contact, facial expression, etc.).

Attending well involves being aware of our own nonverbal messages that could create barriers and attending carefully to the nonverbal clues a person is sending us. It is worth bearing the following in mind: Even if the person cannot see you, body language can be detected by sound, tone, etc.

•        Avoid physical barriers between you and the other person and try to sit at an equal height.

•        If the person is a wheelchair user, try to find a seat equal in height to the wheelchair.

•        Be sensitive to the space between the seats; people will feel comfortable at different distances.

•        Keep your arms uncrossed (even with non-sighted people) and avoid fiddling or distracting movements.

•        Face the person and maintain comfortable eye contact, ensuring that this does not become a fixed stare. People with vision impairment can also tell if you are not facing them when talking to them.

•        Sometimes, it is helpful to use a light touch of the hand of someone who is visually impaired to indicate the distance you are sitting in relation to them.

SUMMARY

Theologian John Powell said, ‘In true listening, we reach behind the words, see through them, to find the person who is being revealed. Listening is a search to find the treasure of the true person as revealed verbally and nonverbally. There is the semantic problem, of course. The words bear a different connotation for you than they do for me. Consequently, I can never tell you what you said, but only what I heard. I will have to rephrase what you have said and check it out with you to make sure that what left your mind and heart arrived in my mind and heart without distortion’.[iv]

Empathic listening is being attentive and responsive to what others say during conversation. It results in making an emotional connection with the other person and finding similarities between their experience and your own so you can give a more heartfelt response. It takes a lifetime to perfect and should always be at the top of our action-reflection goals list. This ability helps patients feel heard and understood when you listen attentively as they share something difficult or painful; it is important that you are fully present and focused on what they are saying.

Listening requires more than just hearing words; it encompasses a psychological engagement with the speaker. It necessitates a genuine desire to comprehend the other person, an attitude of respect and acceptance, and a readiness to broaden one's perspective to understand the speaker’s point of view.

I hope the goal of listening better is near the top of your top ten chaplain skills list, as it is in mine!

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[i] Inside Out, Directed by Pete Docter, Ronnie del Carmen (co-director), Pixar Animation Studios, Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures, 2015, https://youtu.be/t685WM5R6aM

[ii] Basic Emotions Image - Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, Disgust by Sara Barber (purchased and used with permission – www.classful.com)

[iii] Mehrabian, Albert; Wiener, Morton (1967). "Decoding of Inconsistent Communications". Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 6 (1): 109–114

 

Last night I watched Game 6 of the World Series along with 15 million other viewers who watched the Washington Nationals force a series-deciding Game 7 with a 7-2 victory on the road against the Houston Astros.

In case you live under a rock, you probably heard about the controversial call at first base in last night's game in the top of the 7th inning...

Click to view the play below...

World Series Game 6 Controversial Call at 1B

I saw the original play and heard the call from home place umpire Sam Holbook, who called out Trea Turner for interfering with the first baseman, Guriel after dribbling a ball to the right of the Astro's pitcher, Bread Peacock. who made the throw (a little to the inside of the first base bag). 

The Twitterverse and Twittersphere erupted with comments and opinions

For those who know me - I'm a die-hard MLB fan.  I listen to games mostly by streaming them and always have a game on in the garage as I putter along with my 'projects'.  I've rooted for the Washington Nationals ever since Bryce Harper began playing for them and still root for them even as Harper has moved on to the Phillies.  I attended a Nationals vs. Red Sox game in D.C. on the 4th of July in 2018, when the temperature was 98 degrees with the humidity about the same.  I sat in the front row just past the dugout down the right field line.  

Since I've been a Baltimore Orioles fan since 1968 (when I was 10 years old and living in Germany) I've lived vicariously through the Nats this year and have followed them throughout their playoff run...

Give your servant a discerning heart... to distinguish between right and wrong.

A well-known Swiss pastor and one of the most influential Christian thinkers of the 20th century once said 'Take your Bible and take your newspaper and read both. But interpret newspapers from your Bible.'

1 Kings 3:5-12  The Lord appeared to Solomon during the night in a dream and said, "Ask for whatever you want me to give you.”  Solomon answered, "… give your me a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong.”  …God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have you asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be."

In a time when the 24 hours news cycle can be difficult to keep up with and claims of fake news echoes in our ears, the need for wisdom and discernment is paramount.  Like Solomon, we need wisdom and discernment to get to the truth of the matter. 

Many people don't read newspapers anymore; at least not in their printed versions.  A pastor offered this 21st century update on the quote above, “We must hold the Bible in one hand, and our hand-held device in other – filled with Twitter feeds, Facebook updates, blog subscriptions, news articles from a variety of sources and perspectives, societal studies, and local gossip. (Geoff T. Sinibaldo)

How do we know who is telling us the truth?  The headlines these days reveal a divided and polarized country that often equates an accusation or a denial as the truth.  Solomon got to the truth when two women came before him and both claimed to be that infant's mother.  He listened to the claims of each women and called for a sword to divide the baby in half!  The real mother told him to give the baby to the false mother because she didn't want to see him killed, but the false mother heartily agreed with the King's decision and said, 'Cut him in two.'  Solomon's wisdom allowed him to get to the truth of this dispute.  What will you use to discern the truth in the headlines you read?  I'm not advocating the use of a sword in making up your mind as to whom is telling the truth.  But Solomon's decision to divide the baby between both mothers allowed the truth to be revealed.

Is it a coincidence that the writer of the book of Hebrews (4:12) says, '…the living Word of God, which is full of energy and it pierces more sharply than a two-edged sword… it will even penetrate to the very core of our being …and reveals the true thoughts and secret motives of our hearts'?  Is the imagery of a sword cutting through both the accuser and denier to reveal their true thoughts and secret motives an echo of Solomon's example of wisdom and discernment?  More than ever, with all the voices and opinions reverberating in our ears, we need the same wisdom and discernment that God promised Solomon.  James 1:5 suggests that this wisdom is still available to us, 'If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.'

 I hope that we can precisely employ both wisdom and discernment as we wade through the thorny issues of our days.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

March Madness Virus Strikes Again!

MARCH MADNESS

As I write this March Madness is just beginning and tickets are getting punched all over the place for the Big Dance… If you don't know I'm talking about – then you probably don't have March Madness.  This is the time of year that almost everyone seems to turn into Jay Bilas or Bill Walton, that is to say, experts on college basketball. 

You can download (or if you're 'old school' you can print out) a March Madness bracket once the final 64 teams (OK for you purists I know there are actually 68) are announced and become a prognosticator along with 70 million others who complete March Madness brackets and hope to pick their favorites to win, pull an upset or become this year's Cinderella team.  I don't follow college basketball much other than watching an occasional rivalry game – that is until March Madness.  I fill out my online bracket and share it with my sons and friends and we commiserate about our favorites who get beat and celebrate the upsets we 'predicted'. 

                                  

Business experts estimate that the 'average' worker spends six hours of work time following the tournament both on TV and online – about 25 minutes a day.  March Madness is said to be, "the bane of bosses and HR departments, as workers try to keep up with the latest scores and Cinderella stories".  In fact, the NCAA website has a built in "boss button." In the first round of the tournament most games air during the workday, so for hoops fans, that means watching the games online at their desks, hoping the boss doesn’t notice.  The NCAA is keenly aware of this habit and has since 2006 included a “boss button” on its website for streaming the games. Simply click the button, and your screen instantly shifts from basketball to spreadsheets, email, or some other productivity veneer.  But even the "boss button" has changed over the years to become more sophisticated and recent evolutions are the most realistic yet. It allows you to toggle among work, class, and home modes (though we wonder why home is necessary at all – maybe trying to hide your March Madness addiction from your spouse?). The work option actually mimics the looks of Google Slides. 

Back in the old days people used to run an office pool where it would cost $1 to submit your picks, but those pools are NOT allowed in almost all government agencies, but some employee-centered businesses actually embrace March Madness.  One such forward thinking executive says, "While it might not be good for productivity, there are some upsides to this office slacking, particularly with morale building.  While HR personnel and managers may worry about events like March Madness being a distraction in the office, allowing workers to enjoy sports-related activities for even a few minutes can be time well spent, and staff will appreciate the opportunity to bond with colleagues and return to their desks rejuvenated.” 

Here's to unbusted brackets… your #15 seed beating a #2 seed and your Cinderella pick making it to the Final Four!  The virus called March Madness lasts only 19 days and there is no known cure!

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) was the most popular American poet of his day and wrote such well known poems as Paul Revere's Ride, The Song of Hiawatha, and Evangeline.  But perhaps his poem, Christmas Bells (1863) became his best-known work because that poem became the basis for the Christmas carol, I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.

The song begins by lifting our spirits by retelling the familiarity of the season…

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
and wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

The song later details the horrors of our own Civil War and describes the destruction of "the hearth-stones of a continent", while the next to last verse recognizes the anguish and despair at the tearing of the fabric of our embattled country.

"On Christmas day, 1863, Longfellow—a 57-year-old widowed father of six children, the oldest of which had been nearly paralyzed as his country fought a war against itself—wrote a poem seeking to capture the dynamic and dissonance in his own heart and the world he observes around him. He heard the Christmas bells that December day and the singing of “peace on earth” (Luke 2:14), but he observed the world of injustice and violence that seemed to mock the truthfulness of this optimistic outlook. The theme of listening recurred throughout the poem, eventually leading to a settledness of confident hope even in the midst of bleak despair."     (Justin Taylor - The True Story of Pain and Hope Behind 'I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day')

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

I'm struck by how relevant these words of despair are to my ears today.  We live in a country divided by political views seemingly as strong as the divisions that spawned our Civil War.  Public discourse is rarely civil and social media posts seek to throw gasoline on the flames.  Hate is still strong today (as perhaps evil always is…) and hate speech, hate crimes and hatred towards my fellow man and woman grab the headlines – adding even greater despair to our lives if that were possible.  It would be easy to give up and give into hate… adding our voices to whatever sides and issues we choose.  Amid this despair we can wonder, "Where is God in all this hatred and evil?"

The last verse of the song reminds us that even in the midst of overwhelming despair – we can hear the message of the bells resonating more loud and deep…

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men."

This reminder that God has not abandoned us can sustain us to "do unto others as we would have them do unto us" (Luke 6:31).  Feelings of being abandoned are common to our minds.  I think Joseph was feeling abandoned when he discovered Mary was pregnant.  Then an angel spoke to him, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”, which means “God with us” (Matthew 1:20-23)\

Amazing this claim that God was now WITH us!  The angels announced his birth saying, "Glory to God in the highest heaven, and peace on earth, good will toward men.”  Often, when we hear words of anger and see images of hate, it would be easy to despair were it not for the Promise of Immanuel.

I hope that in this season you listen for the clanging bells of hope, believing that God is neither dead nor slumbering…

Goodbye Mellow Yellow

Mellow Yellow - that was the name we decided we would name our new Golden Retriever puppy, even before we picked him up that night. Yes, it actually came from the Donovan’s nearly chart topping hit of the same name in 1966. Mellow Yellow was his moniker, but he was anything but mellow.

He seemed to possess boundless energy and his favorite activities always had something to do with water. He loved to play tug of war with socks. That was his favorite toy – especially my eldest son’s dirty, smelly socks. He would wait until the middle of the night and sneak into my son’s bedroom and steal away with his prize. We eventually got wise to his ways and just gave him old socks tied together, but if left lying around, he seemed to prefer the ‘fresh’ ones left on the floor next to the tennis shoes.

Over the years Mellow Yellow became too long of a name and we shortened it to Melvin… then to Mel. He became my son’s confidant and close companion over the next ten years. He loved the bed of my son’s pickup truck, but we don’t really know why. It wasn’t because he always got to go for a ride in it, even though he often did, running from side to side for who knows what reason. But Mel just liked to be in the pickup bed. While my son worked outside, Mel liked to sleep in the truck bed and sleeping there was one of the few times that he was really mellow. Another one of his other passions was tennis balls – he loved to chase, chew and collect tennis balls. We don’t know if he really lost them in his kennel, but he always seemed to have a dozen or so ‘hidden’ so he would never be without.

He sired five litters and was a proud and protective father. Over the years his muzzle slowly began to turn white, but he was still strong and fast and ran like the wind. Recently my son decided to move and where he was moving, Mel could not follow, so he put this ad on Craig’s List…

“His name is Mellow Yellow, I have had him since he was 6 weeks old, and I am moving and cannot take him with me :( He is loyal and fun loving, everything a Golden should be. He is AKC registered and comes from a pedigreed background, even a few blue ribbon winners in his blood line. I am looking for a good home for him and the price doesn’t matter to me as long as he will be cared for.”

Shakespeare wrote that ‘parting is such sweet sorrow’ and this will be true for my son and his dog as well. He has found a good home for his four-legged companion and now they both move on to a new chapter in life.

This month I will say goodbye to my fellow student chaplains as we finish a yearlong extended unit of Clinical Pastoral Education. Our parting will also be sweet sorrow. Where our paths will take us, truly God only knows. Memories of our time together will stay with me for the rest of my life. Just like my son’s memories of Mel will be with him always – sweet sorrow, but not unhappiness – because we know that each of us is continuing to journey along our paths.

To whom or to what have you said goodbye to recently? Saying goodbye is a natural part of life. Shakespeare’s words remind us the reason that the sorrow is sweet is because they will be missed. As people of faith, we look forward to a day when there are no more goodbyes and no more tears of sweet sorrow. Until that day we have but memories of those to whom we have parted ways.

Goodbye Mel…

How Many Kings?

We recently watched as the country of Egypt went through an intense period of turmoil. The pro-democracy and pro-reform citizens were embroiled in a power struggle against their autocratic ruler of over 30 years. Many commentators said we were watching the birth of a new nation amidst the chaos. The dominoes began falling across the region as Tunisia’s authoritarian ruler of 24 years was toppled by the Jasmine Revolution, literally ignited by a street vender who set himself on fire to protest his unfair treatment by a local official. Now uprisings in Libya, Bahrain and Yemen are continuing the unrest among countries seeking to throw off their dictatorial regimes. Why, after nearly a generation of near silent suffering and submission to tyrannical leaders would their citizens rebel so openly, risking injury and even death from the militaries controlled by the leaders they sought to remove from power? Some have credited the social networking power of the internet and the increasing desire for freedom with the widespread unrest that has deposed the longtime leaders of two countries already. The desire to cast off bad leaders however is nothing new; we did it ourselves to birth the United States of America. Our Declaration of Independence, signed by fifty-six brave individuals, mutually pledged to each other their Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor. The leaders of our rebellion said,

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. …That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, …But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, …it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Is it possible that in these conflicts we can see and experience something that is ‘ancient history’ to us? Since we haven’t experienced the rule of an oppressive king in United States since the 18th century, can we learn something about our country by looking in the mirror of current world events? For most of recorded history, much of the world, both civilized and uncivilized, have been ruled by kings. These rulers have been both benevolent and malevolent and their subjects and citizens have experienced either reward or retaliation by the king’s behavior. In the book of Proverbs, the behavior of the king is said to determine how a nation fares… By justice a king gives a country stability, but kings who are greedy for bribes tear it down… and... If a king judges the poor with fairness, his throne will be established forever. (Prov. 29:4,14)

While these harsh rulers have remained in power for decades, their citizens have endured their behaviors and now are speaking in a clear voice – ‘Be gone, we will accept nothing less” and they appear to be willing to pay for their convictions with their lives, fortunes and sacred honor.

These events make me think what their countries and lives would be like if they had been ruled these many years by rulers who practiced justice and judged with fairness? "How Many Kings?" is a song sung by a group called ‘Downhere’ and the chorus is about such a concept.

How many kings step down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
And how many gods have poured out their hearts
to romance a world that is torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

If these rulers we see being driven out of power today had really cared about their citizens during their reign, would there be such hatred for them now? I doubt it… The freedoms that we enjoy were also bought with a price and the events we observe in the world today serve as a reminder of the good things we have in our country. While we can all admit that we still need to mature in our behavior and attitudes as a nation, we can be thankful for the freedoms that we have enjoyed for over two centuries. It has been declared, “My country, right or wrong!” as a cry of extreme patriotism, but we would do well to regard the rest of the quote from Carl Schurz, “if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right.” This seems like what our founding fathers intended in their declaration and the lamp of liberty continues to burn bright in the hearts of humanity around the world.